Yorkshire_Terrier

Scene starts with Paris noticing Romeo and Juliet at ball.

Paris: (//aside)// All these women do not compare to Juliet, I’m sure she is perfect for me. But who is that she is talking to? Can it be a love interest? No, it cannot be. That could only be me. I will go talk to them and make sure.

Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

Paris: What is going on here? Who is this awful gentleman with this fair lady? Step away, for she will soon be mine. Hello there, fair Juliet, I have come to rescue you.

Juliet: Who are you, and why am I to be yours? I can do what I like with whom I like.

Paris: And you choose him over me?

//(Enter Capulet and Tybalt noticing the disagreement)//

Capulet: What is happening fair daughter?

Tybalt: It’s that wretched Montague; I knew it! I should have gotten to him before all this quarreling came about.

Juliet: Montague? O, but he has done nothing, it has all been this other man here proclaiming his ownership on me.

Capulet: This is Paris, dear Juliet. He is a wonderful man and will make a wonderful husband, I’m sure none of this is his fault.

Juliet: If anyone has done anything wrong, it is he. May everyone just leave me alone to do what I like?

Capulet: You will not speak that way to me, you do what I say, or do nothing at all. You will not have any more relations with this Montague. We are the Capulet. Does that name mean nothing to you?

Juliet: It only means that I may not talk to this man, who has done nothing wrong. Where is the justice in that? I would this cursed name did not follow me around like a weight attached to me by a short chain.

Paris: Juliet, you would be with him and not me? I cannot believe my ears. He is a Montague; is there really any worse word to describe a man?

Capulet: Zounds! Juliet has lost her mind. She has forgotten what is important. You are my one daughter, how can you do this to your kin? I would you forget this Romeo, and go on with your wonderful life here.

Tybalt: Don’t worry I will get rid of this Montague, and all this will be behind us. Go back to where you belong, foul Montague.

Romeo: No, I will stay, you cannot treat me this way.

Tybalt: I can treat you many –

Capulet: Tybalt, I will not permit this kind of behavior here. Now this is my house and you, Montague, are bid to leave.

Tybalt: (//Aside)// I will get that Montague. Here Capulet stands in my way, and I dare not disrupt his party. The next time I see him, I will not hold back!

Romeo: (//aside// )Oh, cruel world, I have found my one love, my one incomparable unrepeatable love, and yet once again, it is a love that cannot be achieved. Juliet, I will come back, do not you worry. I promise you I will be back.

//(Romeo Exit)//

Juliet: Wherefore are our names so important that they decide whom we may or may not marry? There are other parts to the human soul, parts words cannot describe. This is not what is intended!

(//Juliet Exit)//

First, to make it sound more Shakespearean, I would change the "you"s to thee's of thou's. Next, I love when Romeo comments aside to Juliet. Also, you could add a line after Romeo leaves in which Tybalt says that there will be a fight between them (foreshadowing). Lastly, I would add some stage directions because right now it seems as though everyone is on stage in the begining but only Paris and Romeo and Juliet are talking. But this is still a very good ruff draft. ** Bernese Mountain Dog **

This is really good! The idea is great, and your piece is well written. I agree with Bernese Mountain Dog, though - you need to add some stage directions to clarify who is on stage at what time. You need to add a stage direction when Capulet and Tybalt enter, and one to clarify who exits at the end. (Did only Romeo exit? Or everyone else too? Who is Juliet saying her last line to?). Also, unless Juliet is saying the last line to herself, I think it would be cool to extend the piece and put in the reactions of the other characters (only if you want tothough...just an idea). :) Labradoodle

I agree with Bernese Mountain Dog that some parts sound Shakespearean while other parts sound very un-Shakespearean. Also, Paris only has one "r". But the plot line, which is the hard part in any fan fiction, is indeed very well done here. I feel like what would make this scene more interesting is if Paris talked more, and there was a three way argument with Capulet and Paris on one side and Juliet on the other. The argument here with C. and J. is very good though, and I think you could benefit by making the scene a bit longer and adding Paris's part in the argument because he only has 2 lines in the entire scene. Lastly, my favorite part of you scene by far, is Romeo and Juliet's last lines. They flow perfectly with the scene and make a perfect conclusion to this hectic scene, exactly how Shakespeare ends his scenes. As Bernese Mountain Dog said, a very dog-gone good ruff draft. ** teacupchihuahua **